


Tail of a solar

by Nonbendo



Category: Exalted (Roleplaying Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:47:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23342701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonbendo/pseuds/Nonbendo
Summary: The story of a cat that becomes a solar exalted, and the human solar it travels with.
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

This a fanfic about a solar exalted which are exalted of the Conquered Sun, the god of awesome.

Disclaimer: I am not the owner of exalted, I think the owner is a white wolf which is pretty cool because I'd like to meet a white wolf that can write tabletop games.

Once up on a tim there was a Solar exalted who was Fred the Stompy Master. He had shiny supergold armor that was made of golden jade and was a hole plate. There was a big demon monkey and Fred the Stompy Master stomped it and that's why he's now Fred the Stompy Master and not just Fred, it's also how he became a exalted because his head got all glowy after and the Uncremated Sun said "Hi Fred, you're now an exalted named Fred the Stompy Master. Go forth and do awesome stuff and have a nice day."

So Fred the Stompy Master went forth and tried to find some awesome stuff to do. There was a sorcery school called the awesome sorcery school, so Fred the Stompy Master took sorcery classes and became a sorcerer. It took years but he was an exalted no so it didn't take years and besides he could live now forever. Then when he graduated he went forth again and cast Circus Slip and it summoned a cloud for him to ride on that could fly him around all the over place. Then there was an old woman. "Help, my Fluffy Cat is stuck in a tree, it sure would be awesome if someone got it down." So Fred the Stompy Master jumped of his cloud and Stomped the tree down, and the tree fell on the old woman, breaking her back but she had her cat back so she was happy. The cat went to sleep on the old woman's paralyzed body.

"I SAVED A CAT FROM AN EVIL TREE, THEREFORE I AM AWESOME!" Fred the Stompy Master declared awesomely. Then he left.

Then some dragon bloods shoed up. It was Inponderable Bob the Irritable Green Dragon, and Red Dragon princess Trudy. They were all "What the everloving fucking goddamned hell happened here Motherfuckers," Except only Red Dragon Princess Trudy said that and Inponderable Bob the Irritable Green Dragon only nodded aggressively.

"A solar anathema exalted saved my helpless kitty from a tree. But I don't know that he's a solar anathema, he just was flying around on a cloud," said the old woman.

"Sorry, old woman, you know the law, anyone who gets helped by a solar anathema has to be brutally executed. We'll take care of your cat," Red Dragon Princess Trudy said, and Inponderable Bob the irri table Green Dragon picked up the cat, and Red Dragon Princess Trudy Smashed her noggin with a giant huge hammer that she calls the Shining Maul of Inconceivable Discipline. But this enraged the fuzzy cat which meowed furiously, and as it meowed the emblem of the unconquered sun appurred (GET IT?! CUZ IT'S A CAT!) on its forehead, and it slashed angrily at the Dragon Bloods, and killed both of them with but a single swipe of its claws. Then it ran off to find a tasty mouse and the company of Fred the Stompy Master because that guy was cool.

Fred the Stompy Master was at the market buying food. When he was done buying food Food the cat looked up at him hungrily, so he gave it some food. The cat was happy at the receiving of food. Then he noticed it was a solar exalt now. "Hey, you're a solar exalt now," He said because the cat was a solar exalt now. The cat weomed in response, then Jumped on Fred the Stompy Master's nogginyhead.

But all was not well, for Red Dragon Princess Trudy was undergoing an evil transformation while being dead. For you see, the ancient dead primordials of evilness had come to buy her soul for the price of living till the end of the world. All she had to do was try to bring about the end of the world. And she agreed to the deal because she didnt qwant to die yet. So she got up but she was now an infernal exalted named CRIMSON TEAR DEMON QUEEN JUDY! And suddenly she was super pale and wearing too much eyeliner, and her natural red hair looked like it was dye red, and her clothes turned a dark black that was darker than dark black and was black as a darker than dark black void. And she was filed with a grand desire to cast all of creation into the great void, to be shattered to bloody bits by the elder evils within.

Thankfully the transformation also cleaned her under wares because otherwise she'd have needed new clothes because she crapped herself when she died because the first thing you doo (Get it?!) when you die is crap your pants. Don't you judge her for it either, this chick could kick your butt! Fortunately it didn't smell because one the lesser known powers of the exalted is that their shit don't stink and in fact smells like roses.

And then an explosion someplace else that has no bearing on the current situation... for now!

And then back with Fred the Stompy Master, and the Kitty Cat that was a Solar. Fred the Stompy Master summoned a Sun Horse with his exalted powers, because solars can just be that good at riding horses that they can make one appear whenever they want, and then got on the Sun Horse which ran off. There was a canyon, but Fred the Stompy Master activated Sometimes Horses Fly Approach, so the Sun Horse gallop flew over the canyon, because solars can just be so good at riding horses that they can make them fly. While normally a galloping horse would be out of control, as a solar exalted he could keep the galloping sun horse under control because solars can just be that good at riding horses.

And then there was a dude being attacked by blood apes so Fred the stompy master shot oodles of arrows form the back of the horse which pierced the blood apes' hearts and killed them, and the blood apes died. "You saved me Fred the Stompy Master! What's your name?" Asked Bob who was the dude that just nearly got attacked by blood apes if Fred the Stompy Master hadn't showed up. "My name is Fred the Stompy Master!" said Fred the Stompy Master, but Bob said he already knew it and only asked his name as a prank, but this backfired as Fred the Stompy Master became insane with rage and stomped Bob to death.

"Aw, crap, I killed the poor guy. I feel terrible. Stupid Great Curse!" Fred the Stompy Master cursed at the Great Curse that the Primordials had put on the solars that would eventually turn them all into assholes. "That dumb great curse has been on all of us solars since we defeated the Trifordials. It a sucky curse that curses us so we all turn into assholes one day. I don't want to be an asshole!" Fred the Stompy Master stomped angrily.

Then he came to a town that wasn't because it had Ben exploded by an evil sorcerer.

End of chapter one.


	2. Chapter 2

Discalimer: I don't own exalthed. Because I am not a white wolf. Or a gray wolf for that matter.

Fred the stompy master was at a blown up town that wasn't a town anymore. All the buildings were obliterated and everything was destroyed and obliterated and annihilated and decimated except for the big empty crater that was where the town used to be. Fred the stompy master entered the inn.

"WHAT THE EVERLOVING FLYING FUCKEDY FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!111 Fred the Stompy Master asked reasonably.

"Some srocer dude came and blew the up town, destroying every last one of our buildings and killing us all."

"Oh okay," saisd Fred the stompy master.

"Meow," Said Food the cat wisdomatically.

"So I guess I can't stay for the night, huh?" Fred the stompy master questioned.

"Nah, the entire inn is destroyed so that would be impossible right now." said the innkeeper, then put his hand to his chinny chin chin and hmmed and rubbed loudly, "unless you want to rent the attic room."

"Meow!" Food the cat said disgustedly. (I'm not sure if disgustedly is a word but you can tell what it means right? So I guess it works.)

"Who'd want to sleep in an attic? Rats and spiders live in attics!" Fred the stompy mastered demanded angrily.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too, it was just an offer, though," said the innkeeper. "Well, see ya."

"Bye," waved Fred the Stompy Mater.

Sneakily food the cat ran into the attic and snagged a rat to snakc on on the journey. It whined and screeched that it had a family, but food the cat reminded the rat that rat's can't talk.

"Oh, quite sorry old bean, you're quite right," Said the rat with a british accent and died as food the cat ate it.

Meanwhile, Food the cat and Fred the Stompy Master continued on to some other town which was named "Sumuthertown." they went to the inn in that town.

"Sorry, we don't allow animals," said the innkeeper there, but food the cat roared at him like a big angry lion that roared even though he was a little housecat, and slashed him in half with his claws.

"Any other prostrations?" Asked Fred the Stompy Master.

Everyone went back to doing their own work and minding their own beeswax and Fred the Stompy master went upstairs to his room that he rented but hadn't actually paid for but he tried to pay for it but the innkeeper wanted to be a jerk to his cat friiend.


End file.
